Bragging Rights

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I just had a visit with a close friend who I have not seen for awhile. It was nice to catch up, but I realized halfway through that I was not properly prepared for the ‘meeting.’ I stupidly thought that guys get together to bullshit, complain about their wives, and drink beer. I neglected to bring my list of amazing child achievements. This is the part of the catch-up session when we share how perfect, nearly superhuman our kids are: johnny set the world record for how fast a nine-year old can wipe out polio globally. 

My friend was sharing how his granddaughter was recognized for having a perfect 4.0 average in school. They had a ceremony to celebrate these select-few superkids. His granddaughter didn’t even invite her parents. Why? Would you invite your parents to come watch you breathe or put your socks on? No, because it’s something that is just so normal and routine. I mean why bother? You’d do nothing else…….. “Oh, did I mention that she ALSO holds the state record in the 400m dash? Oh, how silly of me.”

His internal dialogue: “Well that’s probably enough. Too much jealousy would be bad for you. I wouldn’t want you to hang yourself from your shoe strings once you realize how subpar you are to me and my family.”

“So besides the state record in sports and the nobel prize, she also………Oh, how selfish of me. Tell me about your kids…..”

Me: “Ummmmm. Well, let me see. They passed Kindergarten on the second try. Oh, my son got a gold star for not cussing or punching other kids for a whole week!”

So, I would like to take a moment to share about me and mine………….

We’re just regular, normal people who have no remarkable achievements. Wait, I do have an achievement. My kid has done stuff and I’m not going to tell you about it. That’s the biggest achievement of all. Keeping our flipping mouths shut is a pretty remarkable achievement in this day and age.

But this is America, damn it. We don’t do that crap here. We brag. For lessons, turn on the current politicians. Watch these bobbleheads self aggrandize with the other pros.

I’ve had enough. So next time somebody asks me how my kids are doing, I will have handy the recent features in GQ or Vogue and show their most recent bio! I mean, why shouldn’t we be extraordinary too! You average people get out there and do something for goodness sakes. Stop being so damned regular. If you’re normal, make shit up like everybody else does.

Be the guy at the cocktail party who tells all the other guys about the winning stock  you chose. Tell about how it was a ‘ten bagger’ almost overnight. Nobody else knew it would happen but you. But whatever you do, don’t tell them about the other 29 in the portfolio that you lost your ass on!

 

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